Looking for a Breath of Life
by ArtemisJaneway
Summary: My addition to the episode "Night"... Can Chakotay save the Captain from herself? warning; adult themes of depression and mental illness
1. Chapter 1

"Captain..." Chakotay repeated.

Still she did not respond. Her knuckles were white as she clutched the railing of the deck over looking the warp core. Chakotay took a hesitant step forward and this time, quietly said "Kathryn..." He saw her blink and shake her head slightly, he stopped in his quiet approach and watched as she slowly turned to him.

The look in her eyes nearly broke his heart.

They were brimming with tears and she looked more defeated than he had ever seen her.

She stood there for a moment, and then rushed past him to the lift. He stood there wanting more than anything to run after her, to cuddle her up in his arms and tell her it was going to be okay, that they would make it out of the void. But he knew he couldn't, she'd never let him. So he stood there for a moment in silence, looking at the place Kathryn had just been standing, and hoping to the spirits she would accept his help.

He then turned on his heel and went after her.

Kathryn clutched the railing with all her might. Just one throw. That's all it would take, just one 'slip' and she could end it. "How selfish." She thought, but then that voice in the back of her mind whispered "You know they would be better without you... seeing you like this isn't helping them, and you can't let them help you, that would be weak... very un-captainly.."

She squeezed her eyes shut and gently swayed at the railing. At this point her hands and wrists were numb and she squeezed the railing harder to try to feel something. She began to relax her hands and sway farther forward when she heard a quiet "Kathryn.."

Of course it was him. Of course he would find her here like this. Quickly, she put on the best captains mask she could muster and turned to face him. When his eyes met hers she knew she hadn't fooled him. Not knowing what else to do, she rushed past him to the turbolift.

As she made her way back to her quarters she silently cursed herself. How could she have thought that no one would see her there? Even if it was 0300 hours. Of course he would be the one. At that thought she clenched her jaw, quickened her pace, and sped angrily forward.

When he entered her quarters she took a heaving breath. She hadn't realized it but she had been holding her breath. Why was she letting this void get to her? A Captain never fails her crew. But she wasn't just a captain, she was a person.

She clutched her head in frustration, how long would this inner argument last? Completely ridiculous. Making one more tug at her hair she marched over to the replicator and shouted for a cup of black coffee. As it appeared, she suddenly felt weak, but she reached out to grab it anyway. She held the cup in her hands and turned, then collapsed.


	2. Chapter 2

As Chakotay approached her door he considered turning back, but he figured he would at least offer to make her dinner or something, he knew her well enough to know she wouldn't have eaten yet today. He was about to ring the door chime when he heard a faint clatter and a thud. He punched the chime and there wasn't any answer, he punched it again. Still no answer. "Computer! Security override on the captains quarters, authorization Chakotay Pie Omega!" As the doors slid open he saw her lying there on the floor, coffee cup on the ground.

"Chakotay to Doctor Medical emergency Captain's Quarters!" He almost shouted as he rushed to her side. "Kathryn... Kathryn can you here me?" he knelt beside her and hesitated then, grabbed her shoulders and tried to get a response.

"Kathryn wake up.." he whispered as he pulled her into his lap. He checked her pulse and found it was faint but there, and she was taking slow shallow breaths. He gently reached up and touched her cheek with his hand, she was freezing.

At that moment the doors opened and the Doctor along with a small medical team rushed to their side. "Doctor what's wrong with her? What happened?" Chakotay panted.

"Well, I was about to ask you the same thing Commander." He stated matter-of-factly.

"I don't know.. I was coming to check on her and I her a crash, when she didn't respond, I came in and I found her like this."

"Mhmmm.." was his only response as he ran the tricorder over her.

Chakotay just sat there and held her while the doctor analyzed his readings. He gently rocked her, probably more for his own comfort than anything. "How did I let this happen?" He thought. "What's wrong... what could I have done..."

His musing was interrupted when the Doctor closed his tricorder with a quick snap. "Well?" Chakotay said.

"Well, her blood sugar is low and her neurotransmitter levels are erratic, as far as I can tell she is physically uninjured but hasn't been eating. I will have to take her to sickbay to run further scans on her brain, the neurotransmitter levels may not be the only thing off."

"Of course Doctor. Ensign Kim."

"Yes Commander." Harry said over the comm.

"Beam the Captain directly to sickbay."

"Yes sir."

Chakotay watched as Kathryn start to shimmer and then she faded from his arms. "Commander."

"Hmm.."

"Commander." The doctor repeated, sounding almost concerned. "She will be fine, come by in about an hour and I will let you know what I have found. For now, go rest, you look exhausted."

Begrudgingly, Chakotay stood and exited Kathryn's quarters with only a curt nod in the Doctors general direction.

When alone in his own quarters, Chakotay ran through the last few months in his head. It hadn't been long after they discovered how large the void was when he had noticed Kathryn starting to act weird. She always got a bit reclusive when something was particularly stressful aboard the ship.

But about a month in, he knew that this was different, she was starting to neglect her duties as Captain, which were normally the one thing that she was diligent about keeping up with when stressed. She started to come late to her shifts, she would always go directly to her readyroom, sometimes not even bothering to ask for a report from the bridge crew.

She was thinner than he had ever seen her, her eyes always a bit glazed over with her small smiles never quite reaching them. The bags under her eyes were a permanent purple-ish color, even though he could see when he was close enough that she had applied copious amounts of concealer.

Spirits how could he have been so blind? How could he have stood by in silence, even his spirit guide had suggested talking to her, but he had ignored it airing on the side of caution, not wanting to make things worse instead of better. He sat defeated on the couch with his head in his hands, and waited to hear from the doctor.


	3. Chapter 3

Version:1.0 StartHTML:0000000167 EndHTML:0000004897 StartFragment:0000000457 EndFragment:0000004881

Kathryn started to open her eyes, but shut them again quickly against the bright light above her. Slowly she blinked and sat up. It took her a moment to realize it, but when she knew she was in sickbay, she immediately swung her legs to the edge of the biobed. "Captain." The Doctor's voice cut through her revere.

"Captain hold on. You can't just waltz out of here."

"What do you need from me?" was her stern response.

"Well for a start I would like to know what you remember before waking up here."

She thought for a moment,annoyed at being treated like a child that had scraped her knee. She had just gotten coffee and then... "I just remember being at the replicator, and then I guess I must have fainted." "Any idea why?"

"You are the Doctor not me. What are you getting at? I just fainted okay? Now if you will excuse me." She said as she stood, now looking rather aggravated.

"I'm afraid I cannot let you go just yet." The Doctor stepped towards her and continued talking. "Your blood sugar was very low, suggesting you hadn't eaten, you have lost a substantial amount of weight since your last physical, and your neurotransmitter levels in addition to further brain scans indicate that you have been experiencing severe mood swings."

"Ya I know."

"You know?"

"Of course I know, it is me we are talking about. Anything else?"

"Captain please, why haven't you been in to see me. How long has this been going on?"

"Don't worry about it. I'm fine." With that, Kathryn pushed off the biobed and made for the door. Calling after her, the Doctor ran to her and grabbed her arm. When he touched her, all the muscles in her body clenched and she spun out of his grip, throwing his hand violently away. Her eyes were wide and full of something that resembled fear and she began to take short quick breaths. "Captain!"

"Computer deactivate and lock the EMH, authorization Janeway Alpha Theta 9." The doctors program disappeared, she grabbed her commbadge and threw it to the ground before she sped out the door.

Chakotay couldn't take it anymore, he stood up and tapped his commbadge. It hadn't yet been an hour, but he couldn't wait anymore, he would alert the doctor that he was on his way. "Chakotay to the Doctor." No response. "Chakotay to the Doctor. Respond." Still silence. "Computer activate the EMH."

"The EMH program has been locked out." came the computers curt response.

"Damn it Kathryn!" he yelled, and he sprinted for the corridor. "Computer locate Captain Janeway!" He commanded halfway to the turbolift, "Captain Janeway is in sickbay." Thank goodness he thought, slowing his pace ever so slightly. "Chakotay to Tuvok. Report to sickbay immediately."

"Acknowledged." was the Vulcans only response.

Half way from the turbolift on Deck12 Tuvok pulled up beside him. "Commander, would you care to inform me what is going on."

"It's the Captain." He proceeded to give a brief summary of what had happened earlier, and told him that he had discovered the Doctor's program locked out.

"Commander Tuvok to Leuitenant Torres, find a way to override the lockout the Captain placed on the Doctor's program."

"Sir?"

"Do it Be'lanna, now!" Chakotay shouted before Tuvok could respond. They entered sickbay and looked around for the Captain. Tuvok moved to investigate the Doctor's office, but Chakotay stopped him when spotted Kathryn's commbadge on the ground. Damn it Kathryn, and he spun on his heel, running out the door with Tuvok right behind him.


	4. Chapter 4

Kathryn walked quickly through the hall, not even bothering to nod at the few crew members she passed. She didn't realize she had a specific destination until she stepped into her quarters. She walked to her bedroom and started tearing at her uniform, she was done with it. She was done with the mask. Someone else could come along and put it on, could pretend to be okay, could devote their whole life to this crew, but she was spent, there wasn't anything left of her to give.

She angrily walked to her dresser and slipped a simple green long-sleeved dress over her head. Not even bothering to but on shoes, she reached for where her commbadge should be, ready to initiate transport, but she cursed as she remembered that it was currently on the floor of sickbay. Throwing her hands up in exasperation she made a stop at the replicator, picked up a tricorder and headed out the door, hoping she still had time to get there before she was found.

Chakotay paused in his frantic sprint to the turbolift when he realized he didn't know where he was going. Tuvok pulled up beside him. "Where could she have gone..." Chakotay said under his breath. "Computer, locate the biosignature of Captain Janeway."

"Good idea." 'Okay that would have been smart to do in the first place' Chakotay thought. He was letting himself go blind with worry and he needed to stay focused. Maybe he could learn from the Vulcan at this point.

"Biosignature of Captain Janeway located. Captain Janeway is in her quarters."

Without so much as a glance between them, Chakotay and Tuvok sped toward the turbolift once more.

Chakotay asked the question before he was sure if he should. "Has she ever done anything like this? I mean, I know she's made rash decisions on behalf of her ship... but this is totally... I just don't understand."

"I would not disclose this if I did not think it necessary." came Tuvoks response.

"What? What is it you haven't told me?"

"Up until now, you did not need to know, no one did. In fact, very few people do. When her father and fiance were killed, a few months had gone by and she was very depressed, often refusing to get out of bed or eat, sometimes thinking her father was there in the room with her. She hated feeling so out-of-control, so she attempted suicide."

"...What?" It was hard for him to picture her doing such a thing. His strong-willed, beautiful, stubborn Kathryn would surely have had the sense to reach out... No she wouldn't. She would have kept to herself, just as she had since entering the void.

"She felt like a burden on her family, and she felt that she would be of more use dead." Chakotay voiced.

"Yes." Was Tuvoks response.

"We have to stop her. She can't give up, she can't leave this crew." She can't leave me... They approached her quarters and the doors slid open. They looked around and discovered her nowhere in sight. Tuvok began asking the computer once again for her location as Chakotay knelt down and picked up her uniform jacket. He held it gently and brought it to Tuvok. "She must have a tricorder set with a dampening field, the computer cannot pinpoint her location." Tuvoks calm was starting to annoy Chakotay, but he asked as evenly as he could "Last time, where did she go, what did she try."

"I believe she went to an old park near her home, it was somewhere she used to spend time with her father, I do not know what she tried."

So she would have gone somewhere with meaning... but where would that be on Voyager? This ship represented confinement for her, and she couldn't have left it, and the places she would go were thousands of lightyears away so she would have had to... "I know where she is."


	5. Chapter 5

Kathryn stood before the doors of the holodeck angrily barking commands at the computer. Why wasn't the damn thing faster at programming? She answered its many questions without stopping to think, her subconscious was sure where it wanted her to go. Finally the computer asked for the last specification, "Would you like to restrict access to this program?" This gave Kathryn pause. Did she want to be found? Did she want to be stopped? Yes, no, but what if the wrong people found her? What if no one found her for a day or so? What if... enough.

Wiping a hand across her face she said "Lock program level... 9." Chakotay should be the one to find her, she owed that to him, no one else would understand like he would. Oh Chakotay... she was so sorry. With that she said "Computer. Run program." and stepped into the holodeck, looking down at the small vile in her hand.

Chakotay ran full speed towards the holodeck. He had to stop her, he couldn't bare the thought of what would happen if he didn't. He was done questioning her actions and had just accepted them as what her mind thought would be best, for there was no arguing that a mind could convince a person of anything. He called for the doors to open and discovered them locked. Tuvok spoke before he could, surprising him, he'd forgotten the Vulcan was even there. "Open doors to holodeck 2 secuirty authorization Tuvok Beta Phi Alpha." "Access denied, level 9 security clearance required." Tuvok looked at Chakotay, "It seems, that you should approach her, she must have been open to that possibility if she set it at level nine instead of level ten." Chakotay swallowed and nodded, nervous.

She stoop atop the hill with the wind caressing her face, oh how she had missed this place, she had missed being free, free to explore, free to be herself, free to love... She took a deep breath and one last long look at the small gray shelter, the bathtub, the dense forest, and then closed her eyes. With the next breath in she uncorked the vile... and with the next, she brought it to her lips. Picturing his face in her mind, she took a small sip and fell to the ground.

He stepped onto the grass and knew exactly where he was, he had been right. He shook off his slight nostalgia and started to run for the hill. He remembered her standing there after about a month of being stranded, it was after the storm that had destroyed her research. She had looked so calm, so peaceful, he hated to break into her revere, but he was concerned when he saw her start to cry. He had approached her slowly from behind, he tried to make his approach audible, but when she jumped at the touch of his hand on her arm he knew she hadn't heard him. "Kathryn..." He had said quietly. She surprised him by running into his arms and sobbing into his chest.

She had been terrified by letting herself be happy, but also terrified of being sad. Without work to distract her, she was lost. So he help her and let her cry, eventually getting her back to the house and filling the tub for her. She had talked to him about how she felt once she was in the tub and he was sitting a few feet away, that night she had fallen asleep on the chair in the living room, saying she didn't want to be alone, and once deep asleep Chakotay had carried her to her bed.

He should have known she needed him this time, it was pretty much the same. No red alerts, no new species, no trade, no nebulas, and she hadn't had him to run to. Her command keeping him away. To hell with protocol.

He saw her at the top of the hill in a green civilian dress. Her hands were slightly apart from her sides as she reveled in the breeze. Her eyes were closed, and as he watched her hand began to approach her mouth. He ran. It was almost slow motion, her hand gliding up, his feet pound on the ground, breath heaving, he reached out while still a few steps away, ready to knock the vile from her hand, but as he closed the gap between them, she crumpled to the ground.


	6. Chapter 6

"KATHRYN" he sobbed as he reached her limp body. He picked her up and held her in his arms for the second time that day. But this was different, he held her to his chest and rocked while almost screaming at the computer to transport them to sick bay. He stared at her tear-stained face and gently wiped a hair back from her cheek as she started to shimmer. He clutched her tighter as they were transported.

The drab of sickbay was a stark contrast to the beautiful hilltop they had just left, but he knew that here she had a chance. The Doctor was soon upon him making him lift her to a biobed. The Doc's voice had never come as more of a relief to him, apparently Be'lanna had been able to override the lockout. The Doctor began shouting orders to Tom while running a tricorder over her body, but Chakotay tuned it out.

He stood there holding her cold hand and willing her to wake up and be fine. "Come one Kathryn, you're not alone. We can beat this together." He silently said to her. The Doctor had tried to move him, but had given up after Chakotay had looked ready to decompile his program if he made him leave.

A few minutes of shouting and frantic cortical stimulations had passed when Chakotay felt a hand on his arm that made him jump. It was Tom. His eyes were full of tears and he looked at Chakotay and then nodded toward the Doctor who was talking to the computer. "Computer, put a note in Chief Medical Officers log, Captain Kathryn Janeway died at approximately 0500 hours stardate 2593-18."

"No." The guttural sob that emanated from Chakotay was enough to break anyones heart. But his sadness quickly turned to anger. "WHY CAN'T YOU SAVE HER. KEEP TRYING!"

"Chakotay the Doc's done everything he can." The rage that filled Chakotay's eyes when Tom said that made him take a set back. "IT CANNOT BE TO LATE... but why..." he cried.

She was gone. He had been to late, and now, no earthly power could bring her back... wait a minute. An idea popped into his head and he ran to the center of the room sobbing, "Q! Q Please! I know you can hear me, PLEASE, help!" The sobbing continued as Chakotay fell to his knees. "I know you keep a close eye on Kathryn, Please help her! Please bring her back... bring her back to me..." The Doctor and Tom stood quite a distance back from Chakotay, watching intently.

After a few heart wrenching moments of quiet sobbing. Tom walked to Chakotay and put a hand cautiously on his shoulder. "Chakotay..." his voice caught, but he kept talking in a hushed tone. "She's gone... he isn't going to come... he.."

"I can't imagine what you were about to say Tommy Boy."

They all started and spun toward the voice. Q stood next to Kathryn, leaning against the biobed. Chakotay quickly got up from the floor, and when Q reached for Kathryn he started towards him.

"Easy there Chuckles, I won't hurt her." Chakotay stopped but still looked cautious. Q leaned in towards Kathryn and uncharacteristicly picking up her hand and almost caressing it. "Now, Chuckles... what happened here?"

"She... she drank something, I don't know what it was. But it killed her. Q. Can you help her. Please Q you have to"

"Okay there Commander Worrywart, I get it, you want my help." Q said cutting him off. "I think we need a moment alone." With that, Q snapped his fingers and they both disappeared.

"AH! That's better." Chakotay looked around and found that they were in Kathryn's quarters. "Why are we in here." Chakotay asked bitterly. "Because it IS Dear Kathy that we are talking about, and I happen to rather like it in here." Q strode over to her desk and sat on it.

"Q this is serious, Kathryn is..." He couldn't say it.

"Yes, how did you let that happen." Chakotay opened his mouth but Q began talking again. "Oh wait let me guess, parameters got it the way right? She wanted to reach out to you but she couldn't let herself, and you wanted to help but didn't want to force her to accept it. Oh you humans are so predictable. Really I don't know why I am surprised anymore."

"That's all very interesting Q and yes you're right, we should have known better, but I'm asking you to help. This crew cannot make it back to the Alpha Quadrant without her. Hell we probably can't make it out of this void without her! Look Q you know I am not your biggest fan..." Q's eyebrows raised and he pretended to look offended. "But we need our Captain! You are the only one I know that bring her back to us."

"To US? Chakotaaayyy please do me a favor and do not insult my limitless intelligence. You want me to bring her back to YOU. You love her." Chakotay opened his mouth to protest but closed it again. What was the point of denying it?

"Yes, I do. I need her. I.. I can't... she's..."

"Yeah yeah I get it. Look it's not like I don't want to help you out, but The Q don't interfere with death. It messes with timelines and makes people mad and confused. It is all a headache."

"Q please, you know we need her. And I know you want her back too." Q looked at him then right in the eyes. Chakotay help his gaze, almost as a challenge. Chakotay knew Q's soft spot for Kathryn, and yes it bothered the hell out of him most of the time, but it was his only hope. Q blinked, then snapped his fingers.


	7. Chapter 7

Chakotay found himself standing beside Kathryn's still body and looked around. Tom and the Doctor were staring at him in anticipation. He bent over and felt for a pulse in her neck, finding nothing he moved his hand to her cold cheek. "I guess I didn't convince him." Chakotay whispered. The Doctor and Tom looked at him, then each other, when Tom nodded his head they both backed away and left Chakotay alone with her.

Tears began to slide down down his face as he continued to caress her cold cheek. "I'm so sorry" he quietly sobbed. "I should have been there for you, there are so many things I wish I had said to you. So many thing that I wanted you to see. I wanted you to see Earth in the view screen, to feel the grass hills of Indiana under your feet, I wanted you to hear the praise of your crew, to hear how much they looked up to you. I wanted to tell you... I wish I had..."

"Then tell her." Came an echoey voice. Chakotay almost looked around for Q but couldn't take his eyes off Kathryn. "She took her own life, so she has to be the one to want to come back. Say what you will Chuckles, but this decision is hers and hers alone, I have given her that choice." Chakotay looked up then in complete disbelief.

"She isn't alone Q. She has me and she always has."

Q had his arms crossed over his chest and was leaning nonchalantly on the wall. He shrugged "Be that as it may she still has to decide."

"Why?" Chakotay couldn't help but ask.

"I just wanted my son to have a chance at knowing his Godmother. I'm not totally heartless you know." Chakotay almost smiled at that.

"Don't say I never did anything for you people." And with that Q snapped his fingers once more and disappeared. Harry, Be'lanna, Seven, and Tuvok had joined Tom and the Doctor, and they all looked on with tears on their cheeks and hope in their eyes. Chakotay felt self-concious for a moment, not wanting to have fellow officers see his affection towards their Captain; but as he looked at them he knew they were there as friends, family even, and they wanted Kathryn back as much as he did.

Chakoaty again looked down at Kathryn's beautiful face, not trying to hide the love in his voice he said

"Please come back to me Kathryn, Q is wrong you are not alone, you never were and I am so sorry I let you feel that you were. We can get through this void, but let's do it together. If you need strength I will give it to you. If you need rest then I will make it possible, if you want help I will be right there." at this point he had forgotten the others were in the room, all he saw was Kathryn, all he felt was her absence and the need for her return.

"Please Kathryn, give yourself a chance, give ME a chance... Please I can't do this without you. I cannot continue without you... I... I..." He clutched her hand to his chest then, placing it where she always did when she was concerned.

"I love you Kathryn. And I Always will..."

Chakotay stared at her then, hoping, praying for a stir or a breath…

But there was nothing. He stared for another few moments then gently let her hand fall back on the biobed. He took one last look at her, then turned to leave. He saw Be'lanna was now in Tom's arms, Seven was very close to the Doctor and Neelix had appeared next to Harry; this family was lost without her.

It wasn't enough.

He took a step, then felt a light touch on his hand.


	8. Chapter 8

Chakotay turned to her and saw a tear sliding down her cheek as she took a deep breath. He was completely lost for words and just watched her. She took his hand with the little strength she had and began to audibly cry. Hearing her pain snapped him out of his trance and he bent to hold her in his arms. He rocked her as she sobbed into his shoulder, clinging to him like she would fall if she let go.

He lost track of time as he consoled her, he was just so happy that she was alive and clinging to him, he mentally poured strength into her and whispered soft words of consolation. Slowly her sobbing stopped and she began to loosen her grip, her breathing slowed and he knew she was falling asleep, he gently maneuvered himself to pick her up.

He looked towards where everyone was still watching in awe and asked for transport. The Doctor tried to protest but one glare from Chakotay shut him up. Chakotay turned his face toward Kathryn while they shimmered and disappeared.

As soon as the two were gone the Doctor started protesting "She should stay here and let me run tests to make sure she is all right! Who does he think he is.."

Tom cut him off "Doc the last thing those two need right now is to be pulled away from each other for some medical checkup. Chakotay will bring her back when she is ready." He patted the Doctor on the shoulder and gestured towards the door. "As for the rest of us, I think we could all use some rest, this has been exhausting for all of us." With that they all filed out the door and the Doctor went to his office.

Chakotay and Kathryn appeared in her quarters and he walked her over to the bed, he gently lay her down and covered her up with blankets. He began to move away and she grabbed at his hand. "Stay. Please."

"Always." Chakotay sat on the edge of the bed and smoothed the hair from her face. Before he realized what he was doing he was humming an old prayer song his mother had sung to him whenever he was sad and need to be strong. He was soon singing the words, words he hadn't spoken for years, to a melody he hadn't carried since he had left home. But the words soothed him and brought him strength as they always had.

 _ **Earth Teach Me to Remember**_

 _ **Earth teach me stillness  
as the grasses are stilled with light.**_

 _ **Earth teach me suffering  
as old stones suffer with memory.**_

 _ **Earth teach me humility  
as blossoms are humble with beginning.**_

 _ **Earth Teach me caring  
as the mother who secures her young.**_

 _ **Earth teach me courage  
as the tree which stands alone.**_

 _ **Earth teach me limitation  
as the ant which crawls on the ground.**_

 _ **Earth teach me freedom  
as the eagle which soars in the sky.**_

 _ **Earth teach me resignation  
as the leaves which die in the fall.**_

 _ **Earth teach me regeneration  
as the seed which rises in the spring.**_

 _ **Earth teach me to forget myself  
as melted snow forgets its life.**_

 _ **Earth teach me to remember kindness  
as dry fields weep in the rain.**_

As the song ended he realized that he was now the one with tears sliding down his cheeks and Kathryn had fallen asleep. He softly kissed her on the forehead and whispered "We will see Earth again Kathryn, but until then, let me treat you as my world, for that is what you are, and I will never leave you again." He closed his eyes and pressed his lips to her hairline once more. She stirred beneath him grabbing him, pulling him next to her. He wrapped her in his arms and together they found peace in their dreams.

Chakotay woke slowly, comforted by the weight at his side and the arm across his chest. He was perfectly content to stay right where he was for the rest of his life, but he knew that at some point she would wake. When she did the road in front of her would be a hard one, but at least he hoped, they could face it together as they should. He stroked her hair and watched her peaceful face as she slept, wondering what she was dreaming about, or if she was just sleeping in blackness, to tired to dream.

After about an hour Kathryn began to stir, he was there beside her but did not say anything, he didn't want to frighten her or make her feel awkward. When she became aware of his presence she sat up and blinked a few times as if trying to register what she was seeing. At first he was afraid that she would be upset, he could see in her eyes that she started to get flustered, but then she sighed as she seemed to remember the circumstances, she settled against his chest once more and put her hand over his heart.

"Thank you, for saving me."

"Thank you for letting me. You don't have to be alone Kathryn, you don't. I don't know how much you heard of what I said, but I meant it all, I don't want you to do this alone. No one does."

"I heard you… Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"I love you too." His eyes filled with tears for the upteenth time that day. He couldn't think of what to say so he just took her hand. She looked up at him with the faintest of smiles on her lips. "Will you stay with me? I am sorry I left you, I didn't… I couldn't... " he voice began to shake again.

"Shh shh… You do not need to apologize. I will Always stay my love." He kissed her hand and let it fall back on his chest. She would recover, he would help her to, and she would never be alone again.


	9. Chapter 9

Chakotay walked to the table where Kathryn sat and handed her a steaming mug of coffee. She took it eagerly and breathed in the tantalizing aroma. He watched her take a sip and her shoulders relaxed ever so slightly. He chuckled to himself. Her coffee habit was certainly not all that healthy, but it sure was cute. He sat down next to her. "Kathryn?"

"Hm?"

"Kathryn will you do me a favor and eat something?"

She made a noise somewhere between a grunt and a sigh but nodded her head. He smiled and leaned over to kiss her cheek. "Thank you."

Kathryn gently touched her cheek once his lips had left it. It had been quite a while since she had been intimate with anyone, and she had certainly never felt as strongly about anyone as she did Chakotay.

This would definitely take some getting used to. She watched him programing the replicator, how his muscles moved under his uniform, the furrow on his brow as he tried to make a selection, maybe it wouldn't be to hard to get used to him being around.

Lost in her thoughts she didn't hear him when he asked what she wanted. She quickly cleared her throat, about to slip on the Captain's mask, but stopped herself. She agreed to whatever it was he had proposed and stared into her coffee.

Chakotay picked up the bowl of chicken noodle soup and brought it to the table. "Kathryn, Kathryn look at me." He set down the bowl and she looked up at him.

"I know that this is going to take some getting used to, I am okay going as slowly as you want. I just want you to let me help you. And if you don't want my help then to bad, however, I understand if you don't want anything… romantic.."

"Chakotay, oh no, I don't want you to think that. I want… well… I don't know yet, but I want to figure it out, WITH your help. If you are willing."

"Always. Now eat!"

"Fine."

She picked up the spoon and slowly began to eat, once her was satisfied that she would indeed eat, Chakotay went to the replicator to fix himself something.

They talked about little things while they ate, the crew, art, music, just small topics of interest, but it felt so free. All the barriers were gone, and they simply enjoyed being together.

When they had both finished, Chakotay offered his hand and walked her to the couch, he could tell by her hands that she was cold so he grabbed a soft blanket and wrapped it around her as she sat down. This done, he stood, somewhat awkwardly not sure where she would be comfortable with him being.

Seeing her discomfort, she patted the seat next to her. He sat down and she rested her head on his shoulder.

They looked out the viewport at the blackness beyond. Kathryn began to realize that she still had all the problems she had before. She began to shake, Chakotay noticed and turned to look at her as best he could.

"Kathryn what is it."

She took a shaky breath in and said "I just can't seem to do what's right… no matter what I try…"

He almost interjected but realized that getting her talking would help her begin to work through things, so he let her continue.

"I just… I didn't think that I would be useful here anymore. I don't have any strength to guide this crew through the void, much less all the way back to the Alpha quadrant. I thought that maybe if I left… but then.. everything you said.. about us being a family that needs each other… Chakotay.. I don't know what I am supposed to do."

She closed her eyes and wrapped a hand around his arm, he gently soothed her hair. "Kathryn, you have more strength than any person I have ever known, but you are a human, a person with feelings, this crew knows that, and Kathryn," he grabbed her chin and tilted her face up to look at him. "Kathryn this family wants to help, let us be your strength, let us show you how strong you are. I know it isn't easy, its all we have to give you in return for all the sacrifices you have made."

She turned her face down to his shoulder again and began to cry. He held her, and let her cry.

"It's going to be okay," he said. "I promise."

 _ **Author's Note: Should I continue this story? I am not sure if I am just having it run on, if you like it and would like to see more, please let me know! Thank you!**_


	10. Chapter 10

"Doctor to Chakotay."

"Chakotay here."

"I do not mean to disturb you, but I wanted to know how the Captain was doing."

"She is doing okay" he paused and looked back at the sleeping form on the couch.

"She's sleeping, do you want me to wake her?"

"No. Most likely she needs her sleep, but when she wakes please bring her to sickbay, I don't know if there are any residual side-effects from the poison she used, and I want to make sure that Q's unorthodox medical practices didn't leave any marks either."

"I understand, I will bring her. Chakotay out."

Chakotay walked back to Kathryn and watched her chest rising and falling, he sat across from her and just watched, appreciating the rise and fall.

"Beautiful isn't she?"

Chakotay jumped and nearly knocked Q off the armrest he was sitting on.

"Q! Quiet, you'll wake her." Q snapped. "No I won't."

Chakotay rolled his eyes. "What do you want?"

"Well maybe… a simple… Thank you?"

"Yes… um… Thanks."

"Your gratitude is overwhelming." Q stood with his arms crossed.

"Wait, really Q. Thank you. I know that… in the past…"

"Yes yes you have been mean to me, apology accepted my dear Chuckles. Just take care of her, okay? She is meant for great things."

"I don't need you to tell me that."

Q took one last long look at Kathryn, the waved his arm and disappeared with a pop.

Kathryn began to wake and Chakotay went over to her. "Wha...What?"

"It's okay Kathryn, he's gone."

"Who's gone?" She blinked sleepily and yawned.

"N-No one. Never mind. How did you sleep?"

"Pretty well actually." She sat up and arched her back in a stretch, he tried to ignore how darn cute she looked waking up like that. She had a long way to go before she would be ready for anything.

"Would you like some coffee?" She pulled a glare, "Okay that was a dumb question." He walked to the replicator and got her some coffee. When he came back she was sitting cross legged with her blanket tucked around her.

"Thank you."

Chakotay sat and looked at her, trying not to stare, but not really sure what else he was supposed to do. "Chakotay?"

He looked her in the eyes then.

"I know that you… probably have a lot of questions… and well you deserve answers."

"No I don't want to push you I" She cut him off.

"I want to try to answer them, I think I need answers as much as you do."

"Okay, so, where do we start?"

They sat and talked for almost three hours, about everything. The ship the crew, Kathryn's feelings of guilt and lonliness. There were many tears and about 3 cups of comforting coffee, but when they were done talking both felt much better, and ready to move on. Together.

Kathryn and Chakotay walked to sickbay arm in arm, not really caring who saw them, they just needed to be near on another. When the doors to sickbay slid open the Doctor was on Kathryn in a second, pulling her away from Chakotay and sitting her on a biobed. Kathryn looked at Chakotay still standing by the door, without words, she conveyed that she would be okay for the time being, and that he should go and rest. Giving her a nod and a small smile, Chakotay left Kathryn in the Doctor's worried hands.


	11. Chapter 11

Kathryn Janeway was not permitted to return to duty for three weeks. During that time, Chakotay served as acting Captain, he worked with Tuvok and Neelix to come up with ways to help the crew get through the void while Harry and Seven looked at possible technical solutions as well as searched for any signs of life.

Tuvok and Chakotay organized a daily meditation group, switching between Tuvok's Vulcan guidance and Chakotay teaching and helping groups of crewmen contact and communicate with their spirit guides. They started with only a small group of participants, but within a week they had expanded to two sessions a day to accommodate for all the crewmen on all shifts.

Kathryn went to counseling daily, they had programed the computer to create Kathryn's old Starfleet counselor on the holodeck, and so far she seemed to be responding well to the sessions as well as the medication prescribed by the Doctor.

When Chakotay wasn't leading the 'group therapy' or helping Be'lanna or Seven or Harry, he spent all his time with Kathryn. It took her a few days to accept that she was going to have to take some time off, but once she did she was grateful and accepting of Chakotay's help.

Kathryn went to counseling in the morning, then met Chakotay for lunch in the mess hall. They hadn't started going to the mess hall until about a week after Kathryn had begun her recovery process, the crew was worried and together they decided that daily interaction would be mutually beneficial. And every evening, they had dinner together in her quarters, with Chakotay cooking of course.

Chakotay stood by Kathryn, and hadn't pushed the subject of a relationship. He was happy to just be there for her, and he knew that when she was ready, she would talk to him. There was no going back to the way things were, or at least he hoped there wasn't, he knew he couldn't leave her alone anymore now that he had seen how badly she needed and wanted help. He just had to hope she would come to the same conclusion.

As the third week came to a close, The Doctor declared that the Captain was ready to return to VERY light duty. Mainly he knew that he couldn't keep her away any longer, she had cooperated with him very well, but he knew that getting back to her duties would help return a sense of normality to her life.

At first, Chakotay resisted her return to duty, fearing she would start her cycle over her again, but she agreed to continue the therapy sessions, continue the medications, and attend weekly appointments with the Doctor. Chakotay was still a bit reluctant, but Kathryn promised to attend a meditation session every other day, and he was satisfied.

Kathryn walked to her first meditation session accompanied by Be'lanna and Harry. Be'lanna had refused to go until Chakotay had cashed in a favor with her and made her go on the guise of helping the Captain get used to the idea. Harry had been one of the first crewman to accept the invite and had since become almost a second counselor aside from Chakotay. Harry was easy to talk to, and he was friendly to everyone that came to the sessions, even putting together events on the holodeck to de-stress, but keep the friendly and open atmosphere.

"I am excited to have you join us Captain. The crew has taken well to the meditations and a lot of them are developing new friendships."

Kathryn looked at Harry as he walked beside her, truly impressed with the way he had been handling the situation.

"That's wonderful Harry, and I hear that you are becoming quite the counselor yourself, Chakotay tells me you have done particularly well in all his sessions."

Harry smiled and blushed slightly. "Thank you Captain. I enjoy contacting my spirit guide, and I really enjoy spending time with fellow crewmen, I've gotten to know a lot of people I wouldn't have normally run into on my shifts."

Kathryn smiled and turned her head to Be'lanna who was walking slightly behind them. "How come you haven't attended any sessions yet Lieutenant?"

Be'lanna repressed a scowl and answered as kindly as she could, not wanting to give the wrong impression. "I have just been busy in engineering. Harry and Seven have suggested quite a few modifications to be made in order to conserve power."

"How are the modifications going?"

Be'lanna welcomed the change in subject. "They are going quite well, we have managed to increase efficiency by 45% using a combination of…. borrowed.. borg technology and a little Maquis tinkering." She smiled then, proud of her work, as she should be.

"45%! That's incredible. Are the modifications such that we can continue to use them when we exit the void?"

"Yes. In a way I am glad we have had a chance to develop these systems, they will greatly reduce our dylithium consumption and should even improve the resiliency of other systems on board."

Janeway nodded, genuinely pleased with the work that had been done in her… absence. Be'lanna's information had peaked her interest and she looked forward to reading more reports.

They entered the shuttle bay and Kathryn gasped at the changes that had been made. Holo-emitters had been installed and she was now standing in a completely unfamiliar room. The room was lit by soft glowing lanterns on the walls and various candles that were lit by each person.

Every individual had their own cushion and spot on the floor, and each had a medicine bundle in front of them, she quickly ascertained that today must be Chakotay's day to lead the sessions. She could sense his presence simply in the way the room was designed. The walls were deep, rich wooden logs, and the floor too was wood. Everything looked very comfortable and Kathryn soon realized that each cushion was specific to the individual, and every medicine bundle looked different. She couldn't help but admire how much work Chakotay had put into personalizing every one's space.

Kathryn was drawn from her observations when Chakotay approached them. He was wearing a loose green cotton tee and light brown slacks, his comfortable look was completed with moccasins, and Kathryn was momentarily jealous she didn't have a pair.

"Hello Harry, Be'lanna, Hi Kathryn, welcome."

"Chakotay this is amazing." Said Kathryn, her sentiments were reflected by Be'lanna's distracted nod as the other woman continued to gaze around the space. Both Harry and Chakotay looked a bit amused at the women's disorientation.

"Everything is personalized for the individual, and since you both haven't been here before, we will have to take you through the preparations! Harry will help you create your cushions and choose a candle, and I will assist you with your medicine bundle's. Be'lanna, you will come with me first and Kathryn you will go with Harry if that's okay, then we will switch."

"Sounds good to me!" Kathryn turned to Harry then and they walked over to a desk near the head of the room. Chakotay gave a slight laugh at Be'lanna's continued apprehension, then pulled her to the other end of the room.

 _ **Author's Note: Sorry for taking so long to post! I didn't have any clue where I wanted this story to go for a while, but I recently came up with a few ideas. I hope you are still enjoying the story!**_


	12. Chapter 12

Harry pulled up a basic square pillow on the table view-screen and began to show Kathryn how to alter the dimensions and features using the vintage touch surface. The technology was similar to that of the device Chakotay had shown her that aided in vision quests.

Kathryn quickly got the hang of the strange equipment and enthusiastically set about creating her own small work of art. She decided on a large square cushion base covered in a soft leather-like fabric. There were two stripes of dark blue bordering a tan strip in the center with another tan stripe around the thick cushion. She chose a beaded pattern to sit on top of the border that was said to represent peace and growth, the beads she chose were teal and green, small and intricate.

She was still consumed with her designs when Harry told her that she needed to move to the next step in preparations. Seeing her reluctance to stop, Chakotay approached her with Be'lanna.

"Kathryn, you can always add more details later, we encouraged everyone to add decorations by hand as they go through their spiritual journey."

"You mean like sewing? And painting or… fabric dyes?"

He gave a small laugh at her shock "Yes like sewing and painting, don't worry, I can teach you how. Come on, we need to get started on expanding your medicine bundle. Be'lanna, you can start your design with Harry."

Be'lanna walked over to where Kathryn had been standing and set her medicine bundle down beside her, Kathryn was curious what her medicine bundle looked like, but Chakotay pulled her away before she could get a good look.

They walked to the opposite end of the room, and on the way Kathryn say once more how at peace her crew seemed to be here, each of them smiling contentedly as they traveled with their spirit animal.

Kathryn continued observing them and Chakotay watched her, he hated to draw her from enjoying the crew once more, but they had to get going, he knew she would take great care in making her bundle, which would take a while.

He tapped her shoulder and she jumped a bit then turned to him. "Sorry, I was just…"

"It's okay, come on, let's get started."

She reluctantly turned away from her crew and went to the small corner where Chakotay was now sitting on one cushion across from another which she was supposed to occupy.

She sat down tentatively, know this was going to be an emotionally difficult journey.

Before he lay out the medicine bundle she had started in their first year in the Delta Quadrant, she wondered for a moment where Chakotay found it, but shook the question away to pay attention to his words.

"Okay, so before we start I need you to say whether or not I am allowed to look into your medicine bundle, I cannot without permission. Only say yes if you are comfortable with it."

"Yes of course, I trust you."

He smiled a bit then began again, "Thank you for your trust. Next, will you open the bundle please?"

She untied the leather string holding it together and rolled it out. She had forgotten all the things she had put in it.

In the center was the device that aided in visions, there was also a letter from her mother, her father's pips, a ring Phoebe had given her, and a small picture of her dog, Molly. As she glanced at the items, she realized that she hadn't put anything from Mark into it, another reminder that she had subconsciously moved on a while ago.

Chakotay let her look at the objects inside, letting her touch them gently and remember why she chose each of them. When her hands stilled he asked her to close her eyes and clear her mind, she had to be open to her feelings and not block them out as she normally did.

As the muscles in her face relaxed her eyes tightened a bit, she was obviously resisting her thoughts. He put his hands over hers and and felt her relax at his touch, when she seemed to calm he withdrew his hands and asked her to open her eyes when she was ready.

Kathryn slowly opened her eyes and saw the look of concern on Chakotay's face, he cared for her and she knew that it was hard for him to watch her struggling. So, she decided that she would remain strong through this, it was time she faced her emotions, and it would be good to focus on positive things to put in her medicine bundle.

"I'm okay…. I'm ready" she said, mostly to herself.

Chakotay nodded and began to speak in a slow deep voice, Kathryn listened intently, not being able to get enough of his voice, the way it calmed her, the way it conveyed caring and tenderness.

She snapped out of her musings when she registered the instructions she had been given. She looked down and thought for a moment, then reached out for the small PADD like tablet he was holding out to her. On it there were transporter controls.

"We have modified these controls to be ultra precise without using more power, you can been any object you like into your medicine bundle, as long as you know the relative shape, size and placement."

She nodded her head and tried to think of something. Her eyes opened wide and she began beaming objects to her, quickly getting the hang of and mastering the altered controls.

Chakotay watched as items began to appear in front of him, he took note of each one, knowing they were special to her. A small diamond ring joined the array of items on the medicine bundle, and he paused in his vigilant observations to stare at it. It was beautiful, diamonds lining the front part of the band, winding with the intricate setting, the designs met in the middle where a beautiful gem sat surrounded by tiny star like diamonds.

The stone in the middle looked like it held a galaxy, simple as that, there were swirling tendrils of black encased by a like purple color and speckled with little sparkles.

Kathryn paused before she made her final transport and looked up at Chakotay. He was staring at the ring in the center, he seemed to be lost in the center stone.

"It was my mothers."

"Hm?" he replied, registering her voice after a moment.

"The ring, it was my mother's. It's a rare color of the gem rhodochrosite, my father picked her for her because he thought it looked like a tendril of a galaxy, and to them it symbolized no matter how deep in space my father was, he would always be with her, somewhere in that galaxy."

He felt a tear stinging in his eye, it sounded like she was describing how he felt about her. He composed himself as best he could and said "It's beautiful, a ring only a Janeway could wear."

She smiled, "Yes, it does seem to fit the Janeway life."

He locked eyes with her then, trying his best to convey his love. He could see that same love in her eyes, but could also see that she wasn't quite ready. He blinked and looked down and Kathryn did the same.

"Chakotay I need you to look away for a moment." She saw the question in his confused look and answered it before he could say the words. "I have one more item to put in here, but you have to look away."

He nodded and turned around, clearly curious.

When she was convinced he couldn't see, she beamed the object right into her awaiting palm. She took both hands to caress it, once again touched by what it meant, she looked at Chakotay, then back at the object, hoping she would be ready to show him soon.

She sighed and placed a single peach rose encased in a thin layer of glass into the bundle, then wrapped the bundle and told Chakotay he could turn around. She ready for the next step.


	13. Chapter 13

"Okay," she began. "Now what?"

Chakotay turned back around and looked at her medicine bundle all wrapped up, wow she really didn't want him to see it. He shook thoughts of what the object could have been and focused on the next step.

He noticed she had kept the vision quest device out, but she would have to reopen her bundle if she wanted to do a vision quest now.

"Well, it's up to you. Be'lanna looks like she is done over there and is going to join Tom." She turned to where he was looking and smiled slightly.

"Do I go on a vision quest now?"

He laughed lightly, "If you would like to, I can show you to a spot and you can set up your cushion and medicine bundle there. Otherwise, we are done for now, I still have another hour here, otherwise I would go and make you dinner."

She blushed.

"What would you like to do?"

She thought for a moment, was she ready? What would she see? She didn't like the images her mind conjured up. Maybe if he stayed near her it would help her relax, he certainly had that effect, but then again, he couldn't see the medicine bundle.

An idea popped into her head then.

"Would you sit next to me and go on a vision quest too?" She asked.

He was taken aback by her question, and touched at the offer.

He smiled, "I would be honored."

They made their way over to a secluded area near an arch leading outside to a garden. They lay their cushions down beside each other and got comfortable.

Once they were both settled, they looked at each other awkwardly, neither wanting to be the first to open their bundle.

Chakotay smiled at her and she started to laugh, they were acting so silly! It was just meditation.

"How about I start my vision first, and then, when I am in it you can start yours, that way I won't see anything, I will tell my spirit guide not to let me wake until you have had a chance to put everything away."

"That sounds good, but how will your spirit guide know when I am done?"

He paused, not sure how to explain it to her without making it sound…. suggestive.

"Uh…" He reached his hand up and tugged on his ear nervously. "I don't know really, he just sort of knows."

She didn't buy it. And he could tell by the glare she gave him.

"Ha, you don't believe a word I just said do you?"

"No." she replied, with a smile tugging at her lips.

He grinned, "Why don't you ask your spirit guide? They will be able to tell you."

She knew that was all he was going to give her so she nodded, now very curious.

Chakotay began to unravel his medicine bundle, but stopped when he saw Kathryn looking at it.

"Hey, you don't get to look." He said, slightly amused by her curiosity.

She was about to protest but knew she would get nowhere are turned her head.

Chakotay opened his medicine bundle, shooting quick glances at Kathryn to make sure she wasn't peaking. He arranged everything and placed his hand on he device, before he uttered the words to begin the quest he said, "Okay, I am going to start my vision, you can start yours whenever you are ready."

Kathryn nodded to herself and was about to look over to his medicine bundle when he startled her, "And no peeking!"

She laughed a bit, dang he knew her so well he could read her with his eyes closed.

She opened her medicine bundle and took a quick glance at Chakotay, making sure his eyes were closed. When she was confident her privacy would remain she placed her hand on the device and gave her request.

" Ah-koo-chee-moya. I am far from the place I once called home and the people I love, far from the bones of my father… I seek to heal my… spirit, and become strong once again."

She stumbled over the word spirit, never having been a religious person, but at this point she was comforted by the idea of a greater power that could help her regain control of her life.

As she finished, her eyes closed and there was a flash of light.

Her eyes opened and she closed them against the bright light reflecting back at her. Slowly, she blinked and her eyes adjusted.

Before her was a dark, murky blue expanse, she felt sand between her toes and looked down to find her feet in the dark, wet sand.

Lake George.

She inhaled the forest scent, feeling the cool breeze against her skin and the sun on her face. She stayed like that until she heard a snap to her left, and looked towards the sound.

On an old tree trunk lay a lizard. She recognized her spirit guide, but it looked different than the last time she had seen it about 5 years ago.

Instead of orange and red he was purple and blue, his skin duller and his movements slow.

She stood and stared awkwardly at it, unsure of what to do.

'Relax Kathryn' she heard.

The animal hadn't moved, but she knew the voice was coming from him. The voice was calm, mellow, slightly sad, it reminded her vaguely of her fathers…

'You're getting ahead of yourself, do not think about that now. Come, sit by the water' Kathryn continued to watch as the lizard moved off the log, slowly making its way to the water.

She followed slightly behind, watching him move, slightly creeped out by the telepathic link this thing had to her. Maybe this was a spirit of hers.

Her guide slowed, and stopped at the waters edge. She came up next to it and sat down, letting her toes dip into the cool water.

'Well….what have you come to me for?'

Dang the thing really cut to the chase.

'For help I suppose'

'You never ask for help, not directly at least'

She couldn't catch a break from this thing. She knew she didn't ask for help, it was one of those things she knew was bad and did anyway.

'So why are you here….'

'Because I am lost'

'That's more like it… where are you?'

She thought, well she was near Lake George, in some sort of vision….

She could feel eyes on her and looked down at the guide next to her. Was the lizard really giving her a death glare?

'Alright alright fine, ugh….. I am in a dark place. I am in a place where my hands are electric, where my mind is fighting itself, and my heart is useless'

She didn't think, the words just started to form.

'I am lost, and I am alone. And I know I do not have to be alone but I also know I don't really have a choice, yes I can make a choice to change but I know that I do not have the strength or the willpower.'

She was spinning in circles again and she clenched her fists.

'You are fighting yourself.'

'Yes, thank you for that astute observation'

'You know which side should win, you don't want it to though'

'Of course I do!' She sat up straight and became defensive.

'If you did you wouldn't be here'

She started to protest but the lizard kept speaking.

'Why don't you want to be happy Kathryn? Do not tell me you do because I can see you do not. Are you afraid to be happy?'

She stood and walked a few steps from the creature, her eyes shut tight and her hands on her hips.

'Kathryn, for to long you fight, you fight yourself, you tell yourself you deserve to be unhappy, but why? What makes you any less deserving than every other person?'

'What makes me deserving?! I have done nothing, I do not deserve to be happy!'

'That is your judgment'

'No! I mean, yes, I mean' she turned in anger. 'I do not know how to do this. I do not want to know how, I am being weak, I should never have come to a lizard for advice'

She began to storm up the beach but his voice was loud as ever.

'You already regret the decision to turn away from this chance to help yourself, it doesn't have to be this way. End this cycle of hate'

She stopped.

It wasn't hate, she didn't hate anyone, she didn't hate herself, most of the time anyway.

She knelt into the sand.

'I can't…'

Her head hung, and she felt tears rolling down her cheeks. She felt movement near her knee and saw that the lizard was there again.

'Kathryn, you can do this, you do not have to do it alone'

She heard rustling and looked up. Through her tears she saw an animal emerging from the woods. She blinked away her tears and her eyes began to focus.

'There are those that can help you, you just have to trust them, let them in Kathryn, let yourself fall into the people that love you'

Her vision cleared and a grey wolf stood in front of her.

The animal was beautiful, large, broad shoulders. It's fur varying shades on grey, she scanned its face until her eyes rested upon it's.

The eyes were a deep, chocolate brown. They gazed into her, saw past her every barrier. She knew those eyes.

She blinked and stood, backing away quickly, her breathing becoming rapid. She looked around her, looking for somewhere to go,

somewhere to run.

She continued to stumble backward until she turn and broke into a run.

She gasped as she came out of her vision.

Her heart was beating rapidly and she looked around the room.

It was empty, the other crewman must have gone, but when she looked beside her she saw Chakotay.

She jumped again and her heart rate increased once more. She grabbed at her chest and then at her hair.

To much.

She stood and backed away from him, turned and ran out the doors.


	14. Chapter 14

_Authors note: This chapter is integrated with actual dialogue and scenes from the episode "Night" that this story was based around. (aka I do not own those parts) I suggest watching it and reading my words with those images in mind. It is rare that someone writing this kind of work can give you a visual reference, but in this case I believe my story can incorporate well to the existing episode. Enjoy._

Chakotay awoke with a start. "Kathryn!" He yelled. He looked around and didn't see her.

In his vision he had talked with his Spirit guide until it told him to follow it. He did and was lead into a forest that looked slightly familiar. Without his noticing he had become one with his spirit guide as they walked through the woods.

He had stopped when suddenly Kathryn appeared in front of him, kneeling and crying. When she had looked up into his eyes and recognized him she got scared, he tried to comfort her but he found himself unable to move.

He had tried to follow her, tried to call her name, he could feel her fear, her sadness and anger. It hurt him to know she was feeling this.

Before he had awoken his spirit guide had whispered 'Go to her' and that was exactly what he intended to do.

He stood and rushed out the doors, heading for the turbolift and passing many confused crewman on his way.

He wasn't sure what he was going to say or do, but he knew he had to go to her anyway. He hadn't even checked the sensors, he knew she would be in her quarters.

Suddenly the ship shook and began to loose lighting. Bulkhead by bulkhead power was going down, lights flickering and panels sparking.

Everything went dark.

"Damn!" He exclaimed, surprising a nearby crewman and getting him more than a few odd looks as people rushed by, feeling the walls as they tried to find their way.

Chakotay located a near by arms locker and fumbled for the access port. Getting no response he felt for the door and began to pry it open.

Once inside he felt around until he recognized a handlight, he grabbed it and a phaser then started down the hall. He strapped the light to his forearm and began to scan the corridor.

An eerie feeling crept over him and he slowed his pace, he shinned his light around and found he was next to the mess-hall, no doubt Neelix was inside still.

He entered and could hear labored breathing, he scanned the area until he found Neelix sitting in a corner.

"Neelix."

"Don't mind me," responded the shaking Talaxian.

"There's been a power loss, nothing to worry about."

"Wh-who's worried?"

"Come on," Chakotay extended a hand to Neelix "Take deep breaths, nice and slow that's it."

At this point, Chakotay wasn't sure who he was trying to convince, himself or Neelix. His thoughts remained on the Captain, but he had to focus! The ship could be in danger!

They continued down the hall, Chakotay still shining his light on all the bulkheads, something didn't feel right…

His suspicions were temporarily confirmed when Neelix grabbed his shoulder, "I saw something! Over there…"

Chakotay pointed his light in the direction Neelix had indicated, seeing nothing, he pushed forward ever so slightly.

"I'm telling you I saw something, I may be nylophobic but my eyes work just fine!"

They continued around the bend in the corridor, Neelix squeezed his shoulder once again, harder this time.

He leaned close and whispered "I can hear breathing.." the stopped, both quieting their breathing to listen.

Chakotay turned his light and suddenly there was a strange looking creature in front of them, shielding himself from the light. The creature rushed towards them, meaning to attack, then out of no where a phaser shot caught him in the side.

It was her.

The creature began to run away and she shot again, missing the alien by inches. It continued around the corner but she turned back to them, "Follow me."

She had on her command jacket and was carrying a large phaser rifle. She had been crying, but you could barely tell, and he doubted Neelix noticed in his frightened state.

"Yes ma'am." Said Neelix shakily, and they continued down the corridor.

From that point on, Chakotay only caught glimpses of Kathryn, the Captain was ever present and locked in place tighter than a max security brig.

When he did get to see Kathryn, there was a look in her eyes that he swore he had seen before, and it scared him. The more they learned about the Malon and how their Thoron radiation was poisoning the other aliens, the more he saw her grow uneasy. She was pouring everything into helping the alien in sickbay, risking her own safety and… he had seen this before.

When he got to the bridge he asked Tuvok to join him in the conference room. He had to ask the Vulcan for advice, he had been able to help predict the Captain's actions earlier, maybe this time they could anticipate them farther in advance.

Tuvok described to him how Janeway had risked her own life after an away mission under her orders left several crewman badly injured. If that was enough to get her to risk her life, Chakotay couldn't imagine what he would do now.

"If she tries something like that again, I want to be ready. I'm going to need your support."

Tuvok nodded agreement.

Chakotay knew that Kathryn had improved since they first entered the void and since she…. but it wasn't enough. She was not stable, now at least, he had an ally to protect her. Tuvok may not know all his reasons for protecting the Captain, but he knew enough.

After the Malon had come aboard and ignored their offer, Chakotay and the Captain agreed to meet in her quarters to discuss options, he wanted to talk about her and her earlier disappearance from the meditation program, but with how active she was and how well she seemed to be doing her duties he was afraid to mess with her.

"Options?" She asked.

Her Captain's mask was in place but it was cracking, he could see the concern on her face, the longing to make this work, and the fear that she would destroy yet another opportunity to get the crew closer to home.

He explained his idea, but he knew immediately she wasn't satisfied. His suspicions were confirmed when she started to poke holes in the idea.

"As long as this vortex exists, the inhabitants of this region are at risk."

"Any chance we can destroy it?" As soon as the words left his mouth he wanted to retract them. He saw it, this is what she wanted him to suggest.

"I believe so, but there is a catch, we have to collapse it from this end where it's demential radius is weakest."

He put his hands on his hips, trying to keep calm. Now was not the moment to confront her, he had to wait.

"We would be closing our shortcut out of here." She was watching him closely, saw his discomfort.

He decided to try and avoid the issue he knew was coming, "Two more years in the void, I can live with that." Oops. Wrong thing to say.

"But I'm not sure I can… Four years ago I destroyed the caretaker's array to protect the Occampa, that act of compassion stranded this crew in the Delta Quadrant."

Gods how he wished he could tell her, comfort her, but she was in her determined state, he couldn't not yet.

"I'm not about to give that order again."

"This situation is a little different," Come on Kathryn, please.

"Oh is it? It's close enough. I'm asking this crew to make too big a sacrifice, I won't make that same mistake."

Alright, out with it. "If you have another option, I'm listening." Here we go.

"Chakotay," He could hear Kathryn now, the Captain was slipping. She walked around her desk to him.

"There's no one I trust more than you, you're a fine first officer," Nice recovery, she paused.

Her eyes became steady and dark, he had seen this look before.

"Are you ready to Captain this ship?"

No, how he hated to be right, he tried to hold composure.

"Yes."

"Assemble the crew."

Chakotay fast-walked to the bridge, tapping his commbadge on the way. "All Senior Officers report to the bridge on the double."

When he stepped through the turbolift most of the senior officers were there, and as he stood Seven and Neelix walked in from the other lift.

"Computer, alert me when Captain Janeway has entered the turbolift and is on her way to the bridge."

"Acknowledged."

The Doctor was the first to speak up. "Commander, what is going on? Where is the Captain?" They all looked at Chakotay.

"Look, I don't have much time to explain. As you all know the Captain has been isolated, depressed, you know what happened before…"

They all looked at each other solemnly, remembering how they almost lost their Captain a few weeks ago.

"This situation has given her another escape, another path to redemption for her mistakes in her mind. When she comes to the bridge she will suggest a course of action that Tuvok and I," he paused to make eye contact with the Vulcan, "believe will most likely end up in her sacrificing herself."

The crew looked at eachother, worried. Even Seven shifted uncomfortably.

Tom spoke up, "What can we do?"

"We have to help her, she means to much to this crew, to us." said Harry.

"My thoughts exactly, we have to resist her. Show her that we are willing to brave this void for as long as we need to, as long as she is with us. That is how I feel. I will leave your judgments to you, but I wanted you all to know what to expect."

The computer chirped, "Captain Janeway is in the turbolift."

"To your stations." Said Chakotay. With a nod the crew got in place, the Doctor and Neelix standing where they could without blocking someone

else's view of the turbolift.

The doors opened, and a weary Captain Janeway stepped out.

"Captain on the bridge." At Tuvok's words they all rose to look at her.

"At ease." Surprised, she began to make her way to her chair.

She made small talk with Harry for a moment, but Chakotay was to focused on keeping his emotions hidden. He couldn't lose her, not again.

She began to propose her idea, and one by one, the crew stood up to her. Even Seven refused her order. They really did care for her, and he hoped that this experience would convince her that no matter what she did, or had done, this family needed her.

Defeated, she sat next to him. "You warned them, they knew coming in."

"I wouldn't be such a fine first officer if I hadn't."

Now all they had to do was get Chakotay's plan to work. Then, maybe, they could get out of there. And maybe, she could continue to heal and continue to open up to him and her own future.


End file.
